


Self-Conclusion

by ellehcorx



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sad with a Happy Ending, Strangers to Friends, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-03-31 07:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13970151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellehcorx/pseuds/ellehcorx
Summary: Fade in, start the scene. Enter Dan Howell - a 20 year old boy stood at the edge of a bridge, contemplating death. In the shadows appears Phil Lester, a stranger with a painful past who tries to talk Dan down.





	1. Don't You Mind?

**Author's Note:**

> Title & inspiration from the song Self-Conclusion by The Spill Canvas.
> 
> Please read the tags before reading this for TW.
> 
> Chapter 2 & 3 will be up on Friday & Sunday.

It’s the middle of February and one of the most freezing days of the winter thus far. Dan stood under a dimly lit lamp post on a bridge overpassing a small body of water and a forest. It’s about 11 PM on a Tuesday night, so no cars would be driving over this bridge, especially in this frigid weather. The only sounds to be heard were the occasional chirp from nearby birds or the rustling of the wind through the trees.

Dan stared out into the darkness below him. His cheeks red, his nose dripping, his heavy breathing exposed in frequent puffs. He didn’t intend to make this hour long walk from his flat to the outskirts of town. Not tonight at least. He’s thought about it a million times, but he didn’t know what it would take to finally get him to this place. But here he was, looking out into the unknown. One quick leap and he can finally find peace.

For the past few months, Dan hasn’t felt completely present. He suspected he was depressed, but he would always fight a battle within himself. Half of him would argue that he can overcome this by himself and that there were people worse off than him who deserve help. The other half of him would lay motionless in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to complete basic tasks. At the end of the day, the side convincing him he’s strong enough to do it on his own would always win because he didn’t want to inconvenience anyone with his problems.

Dan knew suicide wasn’t the answer, but the devil on his shoulder would keep pushing him and justifying that it was an acceptable option to escape a life he never wanted. He had recently dropped out of his law program in university, but had no idea what he wanted to do instead. It was killing him trying to rack his brain and figure out what he enjoyed doing enough to make a life long career out of it because he would always come up empty. It didn’t help that his parents would often call and he could hear the disappointment in their voices when they asked him about his future and he didn’t have an answer.

Dan got a part time job at a local McDonald’s to have some income while he tried to navigate his life. It was highly evident that minimum wage wasn’t enough to fulfill the payment of rent and the tasks weren’t enough to keep him distracted from his downer thoughts. He was also awkward and clumsy, often feeling in the way of his co-workers, even though they were friendly towards him.  

The bridge’s railing was too cold for Dan’s bare hands, but he quickly propped himself up so he was sitting on the ledge with his legs dangling towards the water. The cold began to numb his butt and upper thighs through his black jeans as he balanced and then his hands as they held on for dear life on either side of his legs.

He knew he didn’t have to do this. He was secretly hoping that maybe there would be some sort of sign to stop him from doing something so regretful. Dan shut his eyes and told himself he’d wait 5 minutes. What for? He didn’t exactly know. He held his breath for a bit and let out a giant exhale, trying to focus on his reasons for having to do this.

He was so caught up in his thoughts; he didn’t hear the sound of footsteps approaching him.

“Please don’t do what I think you’re about to do!” Dan’s eyes shot open as he wobbled a bit on the ledge. He wasn’t expecting anyone to be here.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” The man’s voice kept repeating while trying to catch his breath. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you, but could you please come down from there?”

“I have to do this,” was all Dan could say as he continued to look out into the darkness. Not once turning to see who this stranger was who cared enough to try and stop him.

Did he _have_ to do this? He figured he convinced himself to get this far, so he surely would have to just get it over with.

Dan suddenly felt warmth over his cold hand, which forced him to look down to his right and then into the blue eyes of this dark haired stranger. There were tears starting to form in the stranger’s eyes, which made Dan look away so he didn’t blink and start tearing up himself.

Dan recognized the stranger’s face vaguely, recalling that he’s seen him around campus. He was just a nameless person with a pretty face he’d passed a few times here and there without giving a second thought. Dan never let himself dwell on people he found attractive because he convinced himself that no one would want him. He doesn’t know why this guy was all the way out here, but despite being a semi-familiar face, this man was still considered a stranger in Dan’s books.

“I know you don’t know me, but can you let me at least try to talk you down?” The stranger asked. Dan felt his eyes still staring directly at him.

 _Is this the sign?_ Dan thought to himself. He asked for one and the universe delivered something. What if tonight is the turning point in his life? After a good minute of silence and contemplation Dan looked at the stranger again.

Something about the way his eyes were pleading gave Dan a strange feeling of comfort, despite not even knowing this man’s name. Even in the dim lighting, the stranger’s eyes were pools of blue laced with yellow and green. Dan found himself mesmerized by how easily he could look into his eyes without feeling an ounce of awkwardness to look away.

Dan sighed and gave the man a small defeated nod. The stranger offered Dan his hand and helped him stand back on the ground.

“This better be good,” Dan said coldly. Inside he was really hoping things would look up from this point on.

“You must be freezing. Let’s go sit in my car, it’s just over there.” He pointed towards a little dip in the road made of dirt back in the direction Dan came in from. Dan swore he didn’t notice a car there before, but then again he was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he wasn’t looking at his surroundings much.

“How do I know you’re not a murderer?” Dan looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

“You came here to end your life and you’re worried about me being a murderer?” The stranger shot him a small smile. A smile that meant he was trying to make a joke while also pointing out the painfully obvious.

“Fair enough,” Dan said as he and the stranger walked side by side towards his car.

“I’m Phil, by the way. Sorry, didn’t think to introduce myself earlier. Phil Lester. Just in case that would make you feel better to know my last name too. You know, in case you survive the murder attempt.”

“Dan Howell,” he replied through the chattering teeth he was now aware of. Normally he’d be wearing more appropriate attire for the weather, but tonight he was only sporting a thin black puffer jacket with a t-shirt underneath, black skinny jeans, and black sneakers.

They walked the rest of the minute in silence. The closer they got, Dan recognized the vehicle they were approaching was a black Volkswagen Golf. Phil unlocked his car and slid into the right side. Dan took a deep breath before yanking at the left door handle and slipping into the passenger seat.

Phil turned the car on and blasted the heat. The cold air blew strongly onto Dan’s neck as the engine still had to heat up which induced a shiver down his spine.

“Do you want some gloves? I think I have some around here,” Phil said as he twisted his body around to scavenge his backseat.

Dan’s eyes followed and saw tons of black little notebooks scattered in the backseat, but not before staring at the small amount of exposed flesh from Phil’s jacket and shirt lifting up. Porcelain skin contrasted against black jeans and a denim sherpa jacket.

“It’s fine,” he responded as he forced himself to look out the front windshield instead. Not feeling like he was in the position to accept anything from Phil or ask about the absurd amount of notebooks.

“Alrighty.” Phil straightened his body again and faced forward.

The silence began filling the car’s cabin. The only sound was the heater on full blast. Dan noticed that the radio’s sound had been muted and he wanted more than anything to unmute it so the quiet wouldn’t be so overpowering.

“Today’s bloody freezing, isn’t it?”

Dan whipped his body to face Phil instantaneously. “I’m not here for small talk, Phil. Hell, I don’t even know why I’m sitting in your car right now.”

Phil gulped, clearly not expecting Dan to be so snippy. “I- I wanted to help.”

“Why? Why do you care? You don’t even know me,” Dan reverted his gaze back out the windshield.

He doesn’t know why he’s being difficult. He had asked the universe for a sign to stop him from dying and it delivered. Yet somehow, Dan felt deprived of the one lifelong decision he’s been able to make in a long time.

“Why were you going to jump?” Dan hadn’t expected Phil to outright ask.

Dan shifted his eyes to stare out the passenger window. “Because life is really shitty and everyone and everything would be better without my presence in it.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Phil said softly.

“You don’t know me. No offense, but nothing you really say is going to make me think differently,” Dan laughed bitterly.

“I got you to come down, didn’t I?” Phil shot Dan a small smile. “I know it’s a weird situation, but maybe it’ll be helpful to talk it out. Like one final overview of your reasons to do this to a stranger whose name you’ll forget with a face that’ll become just a blur in your memory over time.”

Dan contemplated what Phil was suggesting. In his twenty years of living, he really never had anyone he could talk to. No one he could have deep conversations with about how he was feeling. Only a lifetime of isolation because kids at school thought he was weird and made fun of him, to the point where Dan just kept to himself because it was easier.

The only time he had a friend was his roommate of 4 months, Thomas, who was also into video games like he was. They would play a variety of different games depending on their mood, which resulted in going to morning classes feeling overly tired from staying up way too late.

Dan couldn’t deny that he was someone who crushed easily. The more time he spent with Thomas, the more he felt like he was falling. Of course it could’ve just been the new high of having someone who made you feel not alone.

After their midterms were completed, they spent the night celebrating in their dorm with a bottle of the cheapest whiskey they could afford. With Dan being drunk out of his mind, his confidence skyrocketed resulting in him acting on his crush.

 

_Dan and Thomas were sat on Dan’s bed laughing at something stupid. When the laughter subsided, Dan looked at Thomas with the biggest smile that Thomas returned. Dan decided to let liquid courage take over and took his left hand to brush a stray hair that fell out of Thomas’ light brown quiff. He took a breath and leaned in to kiss Thomas, but Thomas caught on and backed away quickly and stood up._

_“Dan, what the fuck? Are you gay?” To which Dan just started tearing up because that was one secret about himself he never shared with anyone._

_“Fuck, Dan. No. This isn’t like that! I’m straight.” Dan just nodded and accepted what it was. After a minute or two, he added, “Look, I’m not mad, but I think for your sake we shouldn’t spend any more time together like this.”_

_Thomas walked to his side of the room and slid into his bed with his back facing Dan. That would be the last actual conversation they would have as Thomas never said more than “hey” or “bye” for the rest of the semester. After Christmas holidays, Dan found a flat off campus to move into, not being able to bear the emptiness and pain of losing his only friend. He hated himself more than he already did because it was him who fucked it up._

 

“I guess you make a point,” Dan said after a moment of silence.

Telling Phil about everything that’s eating him alive could be beneficial. He’s never tried talking about his problems to anyone else before because there was no one he could confide in. Maybe talking to a stranger would be easier.

Phil just looked at him with soft eyes without saying a word. He didn’t want to ruin the moment of Dan opening up.

Dan began to pick at the skin around his nails, wincing as he drew blood before starting up. It was a habit he had in situations where he felt uncomfortable. Other habits included peeling the skin off his chapped lips until they bled and pinching or scratching the back of his right hand until it turned red. The pain helped to distract him in public situations of discomfort.

“Thinking about my problems just makes it feel stupid,” Dan said as his eyes felt a bit watery.

“I can guarantee whatever you’re feeling isn’t stupid.”

“Do you ever just feel insignificant in the universe? Like you don’t contribute anything to it?”

“Sometimes, yeah. But then I realize I’m the one that made it to the finish line in my mother’s womb,” Phil joked, hoping to lighten Dan’s thoughts.

Dan gave him a small, sad smile. “Now I feel shitty because I know how lucky I am, yet I can’t help but not like who I am or where I’m at in life.”

“May I ask why you don’t like yourself?”

“I’m a university drop out. I work at fucking McDonald’s and that can’t pay the bills. My parents have these great expectations for me because they think they know what’s in my best interest, but they don’t even know me at all. I can’t go a day without thinking that I don’t want to be here anymore and nobody knows that because the only person that knows these thoughts are me.” Silent tears began to fall from Dan’s eyes from releasing his truths. He said all this in what felt like one breath as he realized he was breathing in deeper to get air into his lungs.

He didn’t realize how good it felt to unleash all this to someone, even if it was a stranger.

Phil waited a second to see if Dan would go on. After a minute, Dan was still trying to stabilize his breath. Phil raised his left hand, placed it down again in hesitation, and then laid it over Dan’s right hand that was gripping onto the side of his seat. Despite breaking down, the contact made Dan’s heart race and breathing uneven as he looked at Phil with his watery eyes.

“I imagine it’s incredibly difficult and painful to have these thoughts and feelings built up without having any outlet.”

“I’m a bloody mess. I know it’s naïve of me to think that I’m the only one who feels this way, but it really just feels like I’m sitting alone on my own fucking planet.”

Phil rubbed his thumb over Dan’s hand then put his hand back in his own lap, not wanting the other to feel uncomfortable. “Please believe me when I say that you’re not alone in this.”

Dan sniffled. “I’m sorry that I can’t possibly believe you right now.”

“I know,” Phil said. He understood to a capacity what Dan was going through. “It will get better though, I swear.”

“I don’t think I can believe that coming from a guy I’ve only seen smiling at people and being social.  I’ve seen you around campus. You’re like the anti-me.”

“Oh. I feel like shit not knowing that we go to the same school.”

“Nah, don’t feel bad. I live as a social ghost.” Without wanting Phil to pity not noticing him, Dan asked, “What are you even doing this far from school anyway?”

He noticed Phil turn forward and look at the backseat through the rearview mirror quickly, then straight ahead again. His fingers fidgeting on the steering wheel.

“I, um, come here every year around this time.”

Phil fell silent and didn’t continue with his reasoning. Dan wasn’t sure whether or not it would be fair to press him, but he realized that maybe Phil was holding things back he didn’t talk about either.

“Same rules apply. You can tell me what’s on your mind too if you want,” Dan offered.

Phil let out a little chuckle. “It’s really just February that makes me feel a little down. I thought it’d be easier after 3 years, and in a way it has gotten better, but I still get a little angry and sad over it.”

“What happened in February 3 years ago?”

“Um. My brother, Martyn, and I were very close growing up. He was the coolest guy I knew. I wanted to be like him,” Phil smiled a little to himself as he remembered his brother. “When I was 21, he lost control of his car and went plummeting through the bridge and into the river on the 4th of February.”

Dan remembered seeing this incident in the news when he was 17. The man mentioned died at the scene by the time the ambulance arrived.

“I’m so sorry Phil,” Dan looked at his face to see him still staring out onto the bridge.

“I didn’t know what to do with myself after that. I started doing things to take my mind off of it. I drank heavily. I skipped classes to the point where I had to defer for a year because I wasn’t going to graduate with the grades I was getting. I just spiraled into this great depression,” Phil took a deep breath to calm himself down.

“4 weeks after Martyn’s death, I came back to this bridge. It took them 3 weeks to remake the barrier. 3 weeks to patch up a hole as if no tragic accident ever occurred there. I missed my brother so much that I stood on that new beam and jumped, thinking maybe it would reunite us.”

Dan couldn’t believe what Phil was telling him. He began to feel like crap for assuming Phil’s life was in any way perfect because he’s only seen him smiling.

“Luckily a car was passing through and saw me fall. Somehow I only ended up with a broken leg. It felt like the universe was sending me a message from Martyn, telling me that it wasn’t time to go. I spent a week at the hospital and it was while I was recovering at home that I told my parents I needed help. They just thought I was visiting the site of Martyn’s death and accidentally fell over somehow because I’m so clumsy. I felt horrible for almost breaking their heart a second time in such a short time span.”

Phil’s emotions never swallowed him whole as he told his story to Dan.

“While I spent the year doing rehab to learn how to walk on my left leg again, I was seeing a therapist at the same time. He suggested I write any bad feeling I have in these notebooks you may have seen in the backseat. Every February, I dispose of them in the trash bin next to the bridge. A way of letting go, I guess.”

Dan placed his right hand on Phil’s left forearm and began moving it up and down in a comforting notion.

“I can’t imagine what you went through, but I am glad you’re here right now.” Phil finally looked over at him. His eyes appeared glossy from the emotions of reminiscing, but no tears rolled down.

“I don’t want you to take your life, Dan. There’s always more time to turn it around.”

Dan removed his hand from Phil and crossed his arms.

“I’m sorry you went through that, Phil, I really am. I honestly don’t mean to be difficult, but it’s not as easy as flipping a switch to convince myself to want to stay here. I have nothing tethering me here.”

A silence filled the air as Phil searched his brain for something more to say.

“I feel like an asshole because you have reasons to be sad and I’m just a whiny kid who’s pathetic and-”

“Come home with me,” Phil suddenly blurted out, interrupting Dan.

Dan turned his body in quick notion to face Phil. His eyebrows raised, “What? Why?”

“Just for tonight. I promise if you don’t feel better tomorrow, I’ll bring you right back here and leave you be.”

“Phil, that’s crazy. You really don’t know me.”

“I know, but maybe if we got to know each other better, I could convince you to stay.”

Dan contemplated his decision. As much as this encounter was briefly therapeutic, it may not even change how he’d feel for days to come. As much as he received a sign he asked for, how was he supposed to know if he won’t wake up the next day craving death just as much? He no longer wanted to live with his thoughts, but he was terrified of dying despite the strong pull he felt to end his life.

He would feel like a dick if he allowed himself to walk away from Phil’s offer considering he may be the only one who Dan knows can relate to how he feels. He knew that if he said no, it would crush Phil to know where he was headed and that he couldn’t stop him because he promised he wouldn’t.

“Alright,” his voice came out quiet. “Only tonight. If you can’t convince me that this living thing is worth it, then you’ll bring me right back here.”

Phil nodded. He hoped like hell that he’d be able to keep this beautiful boy breathing until he was grey and old. Hoping he had the right words to keep Dan interested in staying in this world, if not because of him, but for himself.

Dan didn’t even notice Phil shut the car off until he heard the car start up again. He read the time on the dimly lit dashboard. 12:33 AM. They had been sitting in Phil’s car for over an hour.

Phil peeled out of his parking spot and headed right on the road. What took Dan over an hour to walk was only 30 minutes by car. When they parked on the street outside of Phil’s apartment, Dan realized he lived only 2 blocks away from him.

He didn’t know what to expect as he followed behind Phil to enter his flat. He didn’t know why he agreed to something like this, now that he’s had time to reflect. Dan held his breath as he stepped into the pitch black apartment.


	2. Anything It Takes To Make You Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title & inspiration from the song Self-Conclusion by The Spill Canvas.
> 
> Please read the tags before reading this for TW.
> 
> Chapter 3 will be up on Sunday.

Phil flipped the light switch next to Dan. A dim light shone from a small IKEA chandelier in the centre of the living room. Dan could see the whole layout of the flat from where he stood as he mimicked Phil in removing his coat and shoes. 

As his eyes panned the place from left to right, he noticed a small narrow kitchen, then a dining table directly outside of it. At the back left corner stood a bookshelf full of board games and books. Straight ahead of him was the lounge with 2 couches, a giant bean bag chair, a coffee table, and a wall-mounted television. To his right were 3 doors: 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. Phil’s closet was a wardrobe from IKEA that attached to the wall next to a small table where he placed his keys. The white walls were decorated with colourful paintings, band posters, and framed photographs. Surfaces were littered with animated figurines and other personal belongings.  

“Make yourself at home!” 

_ Unlikely _ , Dan thought as he awkwardly shuffled over to the couch and sat at the edge of it. The brown leather of the sofa was slightly worn and fading. Dan found his fingers tracing over the cracks. He thought about how despite the furniture’s current appearance, it still had the same useful purpose it had when it was first created.

Phil disappeared into one of the doors. Dan concluded that he stepped into the bathroom when heard the sound of the bathtub faucet turn on. 

When it was evident he wasn’t returning within the next minute or so. Dan stood up and contemplated just exiting through the door and walking away from Phil. His thoughts were racing and he didn’t feel like he deserved to be sitting here, intruding in a nice man’s house and life. He quietly walked over to the wardrobe to grab his coat and put his shoes back on. His jacket slipped off of the hanger onto the floor and when he bent down to pick it up, he noticed a picture frame on the small table. It was a photo of Phil and who he assumed was Martyn, smiling in front of the Universal Studios sign in Florida.

Dan let out a sigh and returned his coat to the hanger. He knew he didn’t really owe Phil anything because they didn’t know each other, but something inside of him was begging him to stay and let Phil try to help him. 

He settled back onto the sofa and hugged one of the pillows, which happened to be a Winnie the Pooh pillow pet. After another 10 minutes, Phil emerged wearing cozier clothes. The smile on his face indicated either relief that Dan hadn’t left or amusement at how Dan looked like a child with a teddy bear.

“I ran you a hot bath. There’s some clothes and a towel on the shelf next to the tub for you.”

“Oh.. thanks,” Dan said as he awkwardly got up and walked over to the bathroom. He was still a bit cold from being outside for so long, so a hot bath just may be what he needed. Plus, he wasn’t ready to be alone with Phil again just yet.

He felt slightly uncomfortable stripping down in a stranger’s home. As he sank himself into the steaming water, he instantly felt the warmth relaxing him. His knees were exposed due to his tallness and inability to fit into a standard sized bathtub, but he didn’t mind as he inhaled the lavender aroma of the bath water.

He began to replay the events of the night in his mind. How a simple walk to clear his head landed him at the edge of his own personal universe. How being so close to jumping lead him to a stranger who seemed to willingly want to care for him for some odd reason. 

_ Phil probably just pities me _ , he thought as waved his hand in the water, watching it move through his fingers.  _ Or he just doesn’t want to live with any guilt since he’d be present if I died _ .

Dan didn’t want to admit how nice it was to have someone who listened. He also didn’t want to admit that the blue in Phil’s eyes calmed his negative thoughts when he looked into them and instead replaced them with nervous ones. Or how unique his facial features were that they made him look ethereal. He didn’t want to admit to anything positive about Phil because he didn’t want to get attached like he so easily does when someone is nice to him and he confuses it for love. Having an attachment would mean a reason to stay when he so badly didn’t want to a few hours ago.

Dan stared at the water and thought about how his lifeless body would’ve been found in the same fluid, but in a different setting. His curiosity got the best of him as he angled his body so his full torso and head could be submerged in it. After a minute of holding his breath underwater, he sat back up and gasped for air. His thought process? Maybe if he got close enough to death, he wouldn’t want it anymore. And if he didn’t want it anymore, he could be content in staying.

Obviously that wasn’t how it worked, but he had to try.  

Dan decided it was a good time to conclude his bath when his fingers were comparable to raisins. He stood up in the tub, instantly feeling the coolness of the air on his wet body. He grabbed the towel to first dry his hair, then he wrapped it around his waist as he stepped onto the bath mat. He donned on the pair of black sweatpants and heather grey hoodie Phil laid out for him. Luckily Phil was about the same height as him so the pants fit well and not like capris.

Dan tossed the used towel into the hamper next to the bathroom door. He took a deep breath in before turning the door knob.

“How are you feeling?” Phil asked him from the kitchen when Dan stood at the door frame, just watching him. Dan could see he had a bowl of soup in front of him and two mugs with tea bags in them as Phil grabbed the handle of the kettle.

Dan just shrugged. He did feel a bit better than he had a few hours ago, but he also felt worse because his mind kept comparing his depression to Phil’s.

“Your hair.. It’s curly.” Phil’s observation made Dan feel a bit insecure. He looked down at the ground and ran a hand through his hair as if he could somehow hide the fact that it wasn’t naturally straight.

“Oh, no! I like it,” Phil added quickly, as if he noticed Dan’s discomfort.

Phil lead Dan to the dining room while carrying the soup and teas and Dan thanked him as they sat down. Dan didn’t have much of an appetite, but he took a few infrequent mouthfuls of chicken noodle soup to appease Phil. 

“Do you want to talk more?”

Dan shook his head. He couldn’t formulate the words to say at the moment as his own brain was trying to decide his next course of action.

“Okay. How about if I talk?”

“Go ahead,” Dan said as he slightly nodded then took a sip of his apple cinnamon tea. He held onto the heated mug securely with two hands.

“Okay, um, I’ll talk about me.” Phil cleared his throat before carrying on. “Well, I want to become an English teacher. I’m not sure if I’ll be any good at it, but I hope I will be. Martyn and I would constantly read stories together when we were young, and I just became fascinated by how beautiful words could string together.”

“I’m sure you’ll be great at it. Are you almost done with school?”

“Yup. Almost done my teaching course this spring.” Phil smiled. Dan could see the passion Phil held for it on his face. He could tell Phil was proud of himself for what he was accomplishing.

Dan began to wonder if he’d ever have that look on his own face at some point in time. Right now, the answer seemed to be unlikely.

Phil proceeded to tell Dan stories about his childhood.

“When I was little, I used to drive Martyn and my parents up the wall by asking so many questions, especially about the moon. I was looking up at it before I noticed you on the bridge earlier. They always say strange things happen during full moons.”

Dan smiled and laughed with Phil easily as he went on about how his parents dressed him and Martyn as twins when they were small. He was completely intrigued by Phil’s personality and everything he’s overcome to be able to talk about Martyn with reminiscent glee instead of sadness.

They moved to the couch in the living room when both boys had finished their tea. Phil turned on the television and grabbed controllers so they could play Mario Kart.

When Dan beat Phil for the 7th time, they called it a game because it was late and Dan was getting really loud when he got frustrated. Dan playfully boasted that he was the champion, while Phil pretended he was annoyed and claimed that Dan was cheating. It was nice to have a distraction from his thoughts that he actually enjoyed, instead of slapping patties on a grill and making polite small talk with co-workers. 

He looked into Phil’s eyes for a moment, realizing that he was someone he could begin to trust. Although he wasn’t sure if it was standard for people to share their life story like this, he could just feel that Phil genuinely enjoyed talking to him. Dan decided that he could begin lowering his guard and started to speak.

“I almost left,” he confessed. His gaze fixed on the Totoro coaster laid on the marble coffee table.

“I know.”

“I figured I was being sneaky and that you wouldn’t hear me over the water.”

“No, I didn’t hear you. It’s just.. it would’ve been something I would’ve done too.” Phil sent a sad smile his way.

“That picture of you and Martyn stopped me.”

_ It made me realize that you could break down again over not being able to save another person. You don’t deserve that _ , he added in his head.

“I’m happy it did,” Phil said as he turned his head around to look over at the photo.

The room fell silent as Dan organized his thoughts. He wanted to know more about Phil and how he became the person he was right now. Dan owed it to himself and Phil to release the thoughts that have been weighing him down and to listen and learn from someone who’s been there.

“How long did it take you? To feel like you again?” 

“Um, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure. I think letting myself be sad, then acknowledging I needed help was the first step in helping me get back on track. A lot of talking with my therapist, my parents, and friends helped. I can’t pinpoint a specific time, but just one day thinking about Martyn made me smile instead of feel sad.”

“I’ve been beating myself up in my mind comparing how I feel to how you felt.” Dan began to play with his hands. He was ashamed to even admit it.

“Dan, everyone’s feelings aren’t tallied in that sense. How you feel is completely valid. Everyone goes through their own battles that are equally as tough to them as yours are to you.”

“I just don’t understand. Nothing truly bad has happened to me, yet I can’t keep it together.” He looked at Phil with such pain and confusion.

“Maybe it’s just the chemicals in your brain. I’m not a scientist or a doctor or whatever, but there are so many factors that can cause depression.” 

“I’m struggling really hard to not ask you to take me back to that bridge, Phil,” Dan said, his eyes beginning to get watery. 

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and pulled him into an embrace. “Just talk to me. Please. Tell me everything that’s on your mind right now.”

“I just don’t want to feel so lost and empty anymore. I’m tired of seeing where I’m at compared to other people my age. They’re all doing great things and know what they want, while I’m flipping fucking burgers and probably will be for the rest of my life since my brain can’t seem to decide what I like enough to do.” Dan spoke through tears and his nose began to run. 

With Phil, it was easy to break down the wall he’s built and let himself be vulnerable, especially since this was the first time he’s ever said all of this out loud.

“I feel like my thoughts are just so repetitive and that the reasons why I’m sinking are irrelevant and I’m just making it all up in my head.” Dan ranted, barely understandable through his crying.

Phil just patiently listened without interrupting Dan once except to provide words of understanding.

“I’m so tired,” was the last thing Dan said before he fell asleep as Phil held him.

Dan could feel that his eyes were still swollen when he woke up to sunlight illuminating the apartment. His back was curved into Phil’s chest and his head was using Phil’s arm as a pillow. He knew Phil was awake because he felt his fingers rubbing small circles at his waist.

“Can you promise me that I’ll stop feeling this way?” Dan asked as he turned his body to face Phil.

“I can’t guarantee you won’t ever feel depressed again. There are times where I even feel that gaping hole. But I promise I’ll do whatever I can to make things easier for you if you’d like to stay on earth with me.” Phil pushed some of Dan’s brown hair out of his reddened, puffy eyes.

When Dan didn’t say anything, Phil added, “It kind of feels like we were meant to meet and help each other out. I know we just sort of met, but I don’t think I could stand it if I let you leave.” 

The look Phil was giving him right now was one that was hard to describe. It was a look that told Dan that he would do anything to keep him safe. It was intense and overwhelming, yet it gave Dan a sense of peace.

Dan blushed and nodded as he continued to look into Phil’s eyes. He took his hand and placed it on Phil’s warm cheek. Dan allowed himself to stroke the smooth skin on the man’s face. He found it hard to believe that he was real. 

Afterwards, he tucked his head into Phil’s chest quickly, slightly embarrassed for staring at him with such wonder and fascination. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Dan mumbled quietly once his face was hidden from Phil’s.

Phil just pulled him in closer as if he was never going to let him go.

When they both finally got up from the sofa, it was past noon.

“Do you want to go home?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. He wasn’t prepared to face the aftermath of last night on his own. He wasn’t sure what he’d do the second he was out of Phil’s company. Dan was terrified that this was all a dream and that he’d spiral back to how he felt before he left his flat last night.

“You can say no, but would you mind if we headed back to the bridge? I didn’t quite get to accomplish what I went there for.” 

“Oh right.” Dan took in a breath and looked towards the ground. Maybe seeing the setting where he was prepared to take his life in the day time could help to solidify his decision to not complete the deed for the rest of time. “That’s fine,” he said.

Phil lent Dan some new clean clothes and they both hopped into the Golf and drove back to the place where they met.

They were sat in the car at the dip in the road again. 

“Here.” Phil handed Dan one of the black notebooks. “You can read some of it if you’d like.”

Dan stared at him to make sure it was okay. He felt like it was an invasion of privacy, but Phil insisted.

He flipped open the book to a random page that was dated September 22 of last year.

_ Martyn, _

_ I went back home to see mum and dad today. Mum fed me way too much cake. She made the chocolate one you loved so much. Sometimes I swear she feeds me twice as much because you’re not here. I slept in your room while I was there, like I always do. It still feels like you’re here since nothing has changed in it. I don’t know why I stay in there because it kind of hurts to, but I think it helps to feel closer to you. Anyway, I hope you’re having a good time wherever you are.  _

_ Phil _

Dan’s fingers roamed over some dried wet patches on the paper which must have been Phil’s tears when he wrote the entry. He reached for Phil’s hand and held it without saying a word. 

Dan helped Phil carry shoeboxes full of the black notebooks towards the bridge. There must’ve been at least 10 in each of the 4 boxes. It fascinated Dan that Phil still carried so much after 3 years. It was oddly comforting to know that Phil still felt sad from time to time, but he was still able to be this version of himself that Dan got to know overnight. He realized that despite the time; the sadness doesn’t really go away, you just learn to cope with it better. 

After they dumped the boxes into the trashcan, Dan asked Phil if he could be alone for a second. Phil looked at him with a bit of worry in his eyes.

“I’m okay, Phil. I just need a second,” Dan squeezed his hand to reassure him.

Phil nodded and headed towards the car.

Once he watched Phil sit in the driver’s seat and shut the door. Dan looked out over the bridge. The day was overcast, as it usually was in London. Dan took in the scenery. The shallow river below his feet with sharp rocks poking out, the dark green trees and bushes on either side of the stream. This could have been the spot where his life may have ended last night. Or the spot where he could have just been horribly injured and ended up regretful, like in Phil’s case.

The height of the drop now made Dan’s stomach turn, seeing it so clearly in the sunlight. He doesn’t know what miracle delivered Phil to him at that exact moment, but he felt so fucking thankful that the universe did indeed give him a sign when he asked for one.

He still felt depressed as hell because that wouldn’t change over one night. But a slight glimmer of hope peered out from all the darkness in his mind. A quiet whisper that things could end up okay broke through the loud screaming of negativity. Dan wasn’t okay still and he may never be 100% alright, but he needed to try what he could before he hung the towel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not believe that falling in love can cure depression. I believe in finding people who encourage you to root for yourself, people who have your well-being in mind instead of allowing you to just rely on them for your happiness. I hope I succeeded in trying to paint that kind of relationship while still staying true to the song’s plot. Some of Dan’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are based off my own experiences. If you in any way feel how Dan does in this fic, please confide in someone who can help. I know it can be tough. I’m still taking baby steps. But I can guarantee that talking about it to anyone is a step in the right direction.
> 
> Accompanying playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/lmstyle/playlist/1n3pEYPZ4URDyftlQkqzN1
> 
> ellehcorx on Tumblr if you want to come say hi.


	3. I Don't Hold the Weight of the World Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title & inspiration from the song Self-Conclusion by The Spill Canvas.
> 
> Please read the tags before reading this for TW.

Despite their obvious physical attraction to one another, they both agreed that Dan needed to work on himself before having the added stress of a relationship. He had to care for himself before he needed to worry about caring for someone else. They wanted to start as friends who supported each other to be the best versions of themselves.

Phil was with Dan when he went to the doctor’s to get diagnosed and prescribed medication. Together they found a therapist who understood him. It took 3 attempts to find the right one who Dan got along well with. Dan made sure Phil didn’t feel alone on the days he missed his brother the most. They learned they had a lot in common when it came to their tastes in movies, music, food, and video games; which was helpful to entertain or distract them as needed.

Dan continued to work at McDonald’s trying to make ends meet, while Phil finished his teaching course to become a teacher.

It wasn’t until 6 months in that Dan started to see the true difference in his mental state with the weekly therapy sessions and antidepressants. 

He updated his parents regularly. At first they didn’t understand how their son could be depressed with the life they had provided for him. It took a lot of educating until they became supportive of his choices and just wanted him to be happy and healthy. 

Things were looking up for Dan. His journey led him to realize that he wanted to help others who felt helpless like him. He applied back into university, but this time to begin his trek to become a counselor. 

It was also around that time that Dan felt ready to ask Phil if he wanted to go on a proper date with him. He was glad that Phil respected him and chose to be his friend first and foremost while he dealt with his problems.  

 

_ Phil was waffling on about his ranking of marshmallow candies as Dan just stared at him with the biggest smile on his face. The presence of his eye crinkles indicated how happy he was in that moment. _

_ “Phil..” Dan interrupted his ramblings. Phil wasn’t looking at Dan, but at the ceiling trying to decide where on the list Peeps stood.  _

_ Dan scooted closer to Phil on the couch and shut him up by placing his large hands on either side of Phil’s face so he’d look at him.  _

_ Phil stopped speaking in an instant and stared at Dan with wide eyes.  _

_ “I was thinking I should take you out to that restaurant that has like seven different dessert options involving marshmallows alone.” Dan’s lips pressed together to form a small smile. _

_ “Dinner as friends or a date..?” Phil asked unsurely. _

_ “Date.” _

_ “Are you sure about this?” He could see how cautious Phil was about them being together romantically.  _

_ He knew Phil wanted to make sure Dan was ready to head in this direction. He’s told Dan multiple times that he didn’t want to rush anything because he was Dan’s first proper friend. If they were romantically involved from the moment they met, it may not have lasted if Dan became too dependent on Phil for his happiness or if Dan couldn’t focus on getting well because his mind would be pushing to please himself AND Phil simultaneously. Dan knew that Phil still felt a slight ache in his chest at the thought of Dan leaping from the bridge if he didn’t get the help he needed to feel prepared to let Phil into his life this way. _

_ “I’ve never been more sure about anything.” Dan grinned at him with his pearly whites showing. _

_ “Then yes, Howell. We have a date.” Phil returned the smile. Tongue poking out between his teeth because he was so happy. _

_ Dan quickly teased Phil by putting his face so close to his as if he was going in for a kiss, but instead grabbing his phone from behind him and calling to make a reservation for that night. He laughed as he saw how flustered Phil got. _

_ They took a taxi to get to the restaurant for their reservation at 7. _

_ “Did I tell you recently how proud I am of you, Dan?” Phil asked as he held Dan’s hand across the dinner table after they settled in and ordered. _

_ “Yeah, yesterday. But thank you. I’m proud of you too, you spork!” Dan can’t remember the last time his smile was this wide. _

_ They talked about Dan’s latest therapy session and Phil scoring a job at the local high school.  _

_ At this point in time, Dan saw Phil 3-4 times a week when he wasn’t working or preparing for the fall semester. They enjoyed learning new things about each other and felt comfortable in each other’s company even when they weren’t up for talking and just browsed on their phones. _

_ “Dan,” Phil suddenly said after finishing his marshmallow layered sundae, “I’ve been thinking about this for a while and… I was wondering if you wanted to move in with me. It’s totally okay if you say no because I know it might be too soon since we were only just friends up to this point, but you already spend a lot of your time at mine and I don’t want you to have to stress about paying for rent all by yourself for your flat…” _

_ Dan held a hand up, signaling Phil to stop. His face was starting to hurt from how much he’s smiled all night. “Phil stop, stop. I’d really like that!” _

_ After they paid for dinner and left the restaurant, Phil gently pushed Dan against the wall outside and laid a passionate kiss on Dan’s chapped lips before they hailed a cab. _

_ They got back to Phil’s apartment and couldn’t keep their hands off of each other the second they stepped through the door. Dan’s teeth were tugging at Phil’s lips hungrily while his arms were tossed around Phil’s neck. Phil’s hands were raising Dan’s shirt and grasping at the smooth skin of his lower back.  _

_ Phil grabbed Dan’s waist and gently separated their mouths and bodies. “Are you sure about this?” _

_ Dan looked him square in the eye. “I’ve been wanting to do this for months Phil. I’m ready, I promise.” _

_ Phil nodded and proceeded to re-attach his smiling lips to Dan’s and walked him backwards into his bedroom.  _

_ Dan was glad they waited for the right moment to do this because he didn’t want to sleep with Phil when he was dealing with so much uncertainty in his head. He was a “flight risk” when they met and he didn’t want to devastate Phil with promises to stay that he wasn’t sure he could keep. _

 

At 22, Dan made the error of forgetting to refill his antidepressants for a week. He felt completely dissociated from his body and irritable. It was a clouded feeling that felt like a set back to him. It made him wish that he could do anything to stop it.

 

_ “Dan, are you alright?” Phil asked from the crack of the opened door. _

_ Dan was lying on his side with the covers pulled over his head in their bedroom. He hadn’t moved from this spot all day.  _

_ “Just shut the door, Phil.” He just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t want to feel this way and didn’t expect to feel this way.  _

_ He heard the door shut and expected Phil to have been on the other side of it. Suddenly he felt weight on the bed and Phil lifting the covers. Phil’s warm body pressed against his back felt comforting, so he didn’t snap at him to leave him alone like he normally would’ve. _

_ “We’ll get through this,” he heard Phil whisper into his neck. _

_ Dan leaned into Phil even more, craving the contact. Phil placed a delicate kiss onto his neck as his arm draped around Dan’s waist and his fingers found Dan’s to interlock with. _

_ The two of them made sure that no incident like that happened ever again in the future. _

 

Shortly after Dan turned 25, they purchased their dream home on the outskirts of London. It was just the right size for the two of them with two floors, a master bedroom, guest room, office, lounge, dining room, kitchen, and basement. There was even a small backyard for gardening.

 

_ Dan walked down the stairs in disbelief that he was now a homeowner. _

_ “I can’t believe we own this,” Dan exclaimed as he pulled Phil into a tight embrace next to the front door.  _

_ Dan stared out into the backyard and imagined owning a little corgi that could run around out there. Phil was obsessed with them, so Dan had been planning on getting him one some time in the next few years. _

_ “I’m hoping I can secure that teaching spot for the school down the road. That’d be so convenient,” Phil said beside his ear. _

_ “Mr. Lester, they’d be idiots to not take you,” Dan said as he pulled out of the embrace and looked Phil in the eyes before placing a kiss on his cheek. _

_ “Now help me bring these boxes to the bedroom.” Dan bent down to pick up a box of his and Phil’s clothes.  _

_ Phil followed Dan up the stairs with a box of his own. After plopping the box down, he collapsed on top of the sheetless mattress. “I’m so out of shape,” he said while trying to catch his breath. _

_ “You’re telling me,” Dan said as he laid face down next to Phil. _

_ Phil pulled on Dan’s arm, signalling him to come closer and lie on his chest. _

_ “Phiiil, we have so many boxes to deal with still. We can’t just lie here.” _

_ “They can wait. Just want to be here with you.” Phil looked down at Dan’s curly hair on his chest through his smudged glasses. _

_ “I love you a lot, do you know that?” Phil asked. _

_ Dan looked up at Phil with a grin on his face. “I do actually.” _

_ Phil playfully rolled his eyes as Dan placed his head back onto his chest. “But yeah yeah. I love you a lot too,” he mumbled. _

_ Dan ended up falling asleep 5 minutes later as Phil stroked his hair. His final thought before he snoozed off was that he couldn’t believe how far the both of them had come in 5 years time. _

 

Dan completed his counselling education when he was 27. His therapy sessions began to decrease over the years and now he was seeing his therapist once a month. He was also weaned off his antidepressants, feeling confident enough in his ability to live life without their help. 

There were still days where Dan had depressed thoughts, but they never lasted long enough to make him wish he were stood at that bridge again, ready to embrace death. He developed healthy coping mechanisms that helped him to overtake the negativity in his mind. Speaking to Phil and his therapist about his feelings improved his state of mind when he was feeling down.

Through school, Dan was able to start putting himself out there and befriend people in his program. He didn’t want to repeat his childhood and teen life of living as a social ghost. Dan now occasionally went out for drinks after class with some mates once a week. 

Dan was talking to a few classmates when he heard his name.

“Dan!” Phil called out to him.

Phil emerged from the crowd of families and graduates. Behind him were his parents and the Lesters. 

Phil gave him a big hug and kiss. “Your mum was so emotional. You can hear her crying and yelling your name in the video I took of you grabbing your diploma!”

Dan laughed. He gave individual hugs and said “thank you” to the congratulations from his mum and dad, and Phil’s mum and dad. 

As Dan caught up with his parents, he could overhear Phil showing his mum videos of their corgi puppy, Pancakes, that they adopted earlier during the year.

 

_ “Pancakes?” Dan asked with an eyebrow raised at Phil’s name suggestion. _

_ “I love corgis. I love pancakes. Best of both worlds!” _

_ Dan smiled fondly as Phil held Pancakes up and started making dog noises to try and communicate with him. _

 

They met each other’s parents a few weeks after their first date. Both sets of parents were super happy for their sons’ new relationships. Phil’s parents confided in Dan that they haven’t seen Phil that happy since Martyn was alive. Dan’s parents were grateful for Phil who helped turn Dan’s life around for the better so their baby boy was no longer living in isolation.

After a late lunch/early dinner with their families, Dan and Phil proceeded to head home.

“Do you mind if we make a stop on the way back?” Phil asked.

“Sure,” Dan responded. Not thinking anything of it.

Soon, Dan found them at the bridge stopping at the bridge. He and Phil still came to the bridge annually in February to continue Phil’s tradition of dumping all his negative feelings written in little black notebooks. The yearly trips served as a reminder to Dan of the bittersweet night he almost ended his life while also meeting the one person who made him want to be alive.

Phil gestured for Dan to follow him out of the car. Dan gave him a confused expression because it was June, but he knew he’d follow Phil around anywhere he went because he trusted him.

“I just felt like coming out here” was all Phil said as they placed their elbows on the railing and looked out. The sun was just setting, causing a nice dim orange glow. 

They looked on in silence. Dan getting lost in his thoughts about how much had changed over the years. He didn’t even notice Phil get down on one knee because his gaze was fixated off to the side so he didn’t see Phil’s body shift in his periphery.

“Daniel James Howell,” Phil started. Dan looked down to his left at Phil knelt on the ground. His hand instantaneously covered his mouth. “These past 7 years, you’ve made me the happiest I have ever been. I know we met under sad circumstances right in this exact spot, but I can’t help but feel like it was more a blessing. I’m so glad you agreed to hear me out all those years ago. I really didn’t know what to do, but all I knew at that moment was that I needed to make this beautiful boy so incredibly happy and full of life if it was the last thing I did. Would you do the honour of marrying me so I can continue putting that smile on your face for the rest of our lives?”

Dan’s happy tears were pouring out of him uncontrollably as he said, “yes, yes. Oh my god!”

He pulled Phil to stand up and smiled into the kiss. “I love you, holy shit, do I love you.”

Phil had tears leaking out of his eyes as well as he slid the simple black band with a small embedded diamond onto Dan’s ring finger.

“Thank you,” Dan held up his left hand and stared at the band now occupying his finger. “Really Phil, thank you. I honestly wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

His gaze switched to looking Phil straight in the eye. “I know you don’t like me saying that I owe my life to you, but I feel like I do. You’ve helped me be a better me and no words can express how grateful I am.”

“Dan, we helped each other. We wouldn’t be who we are right now if we didn’t meet the way we did. I love that we’re both stood here right now. As long as we have each other, we’re okay.” Phil placed his hands on Dan’s cheeks and pulled him in for a deep kiss. He could feel Dan smiling through it.

Dan looked over the ledge and then back at Phil. “I bet you Martyn’s really happy for you right now.” 

Phil smiled at him. “I really hope so. I tell him about you every night in my mind before I sleep and in my notebooks.”

Dan’s life was so different now from when he was 20. He didn’t know how a single night in February could turn into 7 years with a stranger who turned out to be the love of his life. 

He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he used to feel so empty and have zero interest in anything. Now his heart felt full. It took him a long time, but he finally learnt to love himself. Loving himself helped him to love Phil and to love the idea of wanting to help other teens who needed help loving themselves too. 

He would never imagine in his wildest dreams that he would be standing here right now, thankful for the air he’s breathing in. He’s so grateful for getting the help he needed during a time he was lower than the floor. Sometimes you really need to hit that rock bottom in order to start picking yourself up.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! x
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not believe that falling in love can cure depression. I believe in finding people who encourage you to root for yourself, people who have your well-being in mind instead of allowing you to just rely on them for your happiness. I hope I succeeded in trying to paint that kind of relationship while still staying true to the song’s plot. Some of Dan’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are based off my own experiences. If you in any way feel how Dan does in this fic, please confide in someone who can help. I know it can be tough. I’m still taking baby steps. But I can guarantee that talking about it to anyone is a step in the right direction.
> 
> Accompanying playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/lmstyle/playlist/1n3pEYPZ4URDyftlQkqzN1
> 
> ellehcorx on Tumblr if you want to come say hi.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not believe that falling in love can cure depression. I believe in finding people who encourage you to root for yourself, people who have your well-being in mind instead of allowing you to just rely on them for your happiness. I hope I succeeded in trying to paint that kind of relationship while still staying true to the song’s plot. Some of Dan’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are based off my own experiences. If you in any way feel how Dan does in this fic, please confide in someone who can help. I know it can be tough. I’m still taking baby steps. But I can guarantee that talking about it to anyone is a step in the right direction.
> 
> Accompanying playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/lmstyle/playlist/1n3pEYPZ4URDyftlQkqzN1
> 
> howellucinogenics on Tumblr if you want to come say hi.


End file.
